for Colin.

I've been under a lot of pressure lately, mainly because I do that to myself, but also because not too long ago my mother called me telling me my grandmother wants me to write a poem for Colin. Colin passed away on Christmas day due to life long heart problems. My mom said that my grandmother wanted me to write one like I did many many years ago for Jozie who passed away when she was 4 months old. I just told her okay, I will do my best.
I am not one for putting myself out there at all. My writing is my personal thoughts and feelings. I feel vulnerable about this piece because it is my first one in so many years.. and it's a delicate subject in my personal life as well as my family's. Enjoy.

Colin

Christmas was a day of joy many times before,

but this year was different for us all.

We awoke with news that broke our hearts,

News that caused our souls to fall.

God came to you and said with a smile,

"It's your time to come back home."

So you closed your eyes and followed Him,

and you left us here alone.

But we are not left behind

because you are pieced in our soul.

We can't be selfish by wanting you here,

you now have a much bigger role.

Colin, you are now our guardian,

You're our angel, our shining star in the sky.

You are our heart, you are our soul,

and each tear that we may cry.

The memories of the happiness you gave

will help to heal us overtime

because we will see you again one day

as death is never a permanent goodbye.

On the days we feel so broken,

please give us the strength again.

Let us remember the joy you brought to our lives,

Watch over us, always, Amen.



out with the old, in with the new

It's day 2 of the new year. So far so good so that's great. Well, besides the fact that I burned my legs off using this hair removal lotion crap and dropping my nail polish on the bathroom floor, it's been good.
2011 was not a good year for me or my family. The last few months were especially depressing.. I quit my job for another job that I didn't have, my husband's grandfather got really sick, I lost my best doggy Dinky, my grandmother got sick and was hospitalized for weeks & then got taken off life support, and to wrap it all up, my cousin died on Christmas day. That same day I also found out my 9 year old nephew needs another surgery. That was all during the last 5 months of the year. Each month I would tell my husband "I just want one month to go well.. just one." Now I am in a new month and a new year.. and I am honestly praying this month goes well. Otherwise, I may lose my sanity. Chris used to tell me that there weren't bad days, but I made them that way. He would tell me that I could make it a good day. He doesn't really say that anymore. Good thing too because I'd probably have to punch him. I'm pretty sure with the bad days I've had, I didn't make it bad. Life made it bad.
2011 isn't behind me yet like it is for some. It may never be. My dad said some really truthful things at my cousin's funeral. He told me that people will say it gets easier with time, but it doesn't. He said it doesn't get easier, you just learn to cope better... one day you will be fine and one day it will hit you all at once again. That's the thing with my dad, he is completely honest. I am glad for that. I hate when people say the usual "it will be okay, it gets easier" crap. My dad told me "I'm not going to say it will be okay because I know it won't." I find comfort in that because I know my dad will be there when it's not okay. My dad also told me not to live with regrets because the ones I lost would not want that. I honestly have the most trouble with this. See I am one of those crazy OCD people that have the crazy thoughts. My mind constantly obsesses over everything and it plays out scenarios. I can't help but constantly play what memories I have of people in my mind and regretting things I did not say or do. There are so many things in my mind that I wish I could/would have said to my grandmother. She was the only one to send me a graduation card when I graduated from college. I never thanked her. I think about that all the time. When she was first in the hospital back in September, I decided I was going to tell her to keep my Christmas money. I wanted her to keep it or donated it to her and my grandfather's church. For the next several weeks of her not getting better, all I could think about was how much I needed her & wanted to tell her about Christmas. I  never got the chance. It's moments like that that absolutely crush me. I always think of things to do and say, but never end up doing it. Then I find myself in the position I am in. I regret not making it to my grandma's Christmas this year. It's always the Saturday before Christmas, and I had to work. I was told at work that no one got a Saturday off during Christmas so I didn't request it. I missed Christmas, which made me miss the last Christmas I would have had with my cousin. I am beyond angry about this. My dad told me at the funeral not to be upset that I missed grandma's Christmas, but I am. I can't help but be. I never miss Christmas there, and this time I did.
Basically it's a new year. I would like to try to change myself in a healthier manner. Will I ever stop obsessing about everything? Probably not. Will I stop regretting everything? Probably not. I will, however, try my best. I need to figure out a way to not constantly think about things, but to also not bottle them up & ignore them. I am 23 and I'm pretty sure I cut many years off my life by obessing, stressing, and living with more anxiety than 30 people put together.