I received a letter in the mail recently from my aunt. It mentioned how Christmas at my grandmother's would be slightly different this year. Ever since, well forever, my family has celebrated Christmas at my grandmother's house on the Saturday before Christmas Day. No matter what city grandma lived in, the family was there. Sometimes this meant driving over an hour for me, but we were all there.
My grandma is just awesome. She's unlike a lot, in my opinion. I can't even begin to describe her because no one would understand unless they met her. She is a no nonsense, occasionally cussing grandma.
Every Christmas, she gives her great grandchildren all kinds of neat gifts. For the past 12 years, I've watched her gift-giving grow with each new great grandchild. Now, 12 years later, I finally get to see my child receive his very 1st Christmas gift from his great grandma. But I'm sad.
The letter from my aunt mentioned how different Christmas will be this year. Grandma is suffering from dementia. Well, according to my mother, alzheimer's runs on that side. From what I've read, dementia & alzheimer's are different. Dementia can happen without the alzheimer's, but alzheimer's can start out as dementia. Confusing, I know. I'm scared learning that alzheimer's runs on my mother's side. Being a compulsive worrier, this makes my mind run with all sorts of sadness. But that's another story.
I've only recently really learned of this dementia. I just kind of pushed the thought away. This letter made it very real all of a sudden. As each day passes, I know her memory gets a little bit worse. This hurts, a lot. My aunt wrote about how grandma is forgetting how to cook & how upsetting this is for her. Family is the number 1 reason why people get together for the holidays, but food is the comfort that brings us all together. I feel horrible trying to imagine how it feels to not remember how to make a family meal... I cook. I mindlessly make my own family meals. To imagine having trouble remembering how to cook really hurts my heart.
My aunt also mentioned in the letter how grandma will only be giving each great grandchild 2 gifts this year. Now, to me, this isn't a big deal. I think any number of gifts is quite generous. She really doesn't have to get them any, but she does. I'm sure it makes her feel good. Even though the gift giving doesn't bother me, it really hit me hard..
It made me realize how Cohen & I were robbed. 12 years of great grandchildren getting to have Christmas with their great grandma. And now that I finally have the chance to join in, life makes me truly realize that my grandma, who has always been around with her quirky self, is a great grandmother. I barely remember my own great grandparents. I only remember one. I think I have photos with others? I don't know. But I do know that my own great grandma was old. At least to my young mind. My grandma can't be old, right? Come to find out, she's almost 80. Wait a minute... no way. I hate that I'm the kind of person who expects people to just be there. My grandparent's have been around since I was born, so they are still just supposed to be here. Always.
I have trouble actually wrapping my mind around the thought of my grandparents being Cohen's great grandparents because great grandparents are super old & sometimes are so old, they are no longer around. No, she (&they) can't be old.
It's all made me think. Like I said, Cohen & I were robbed. Twice, actually. Cohen was robbed from growing up with two amazing great grandmas. My super sweet grandma joyce passed 3 years ago at the very young age of 67. With her, Cohen was robbed of ever meeting & having any memories in a photograph with her. I've been robbed of seeing her smiling face while she holds her newest great grand baby. I'm grateful that Cohen was able to meet his other great grandmother. He has a photo with her holding him. He may never remember, but I always will.
I'm very upset with everything. Some of my cousins have been able to watch their children grow up with grandma. And now that I finally have my own baby, I have to find out that my grandma is actually old. On top of that, losing her memory. This could be the only Christmas my son gets to have with his great grandma before she is unable to remember him at all. No one knows.
I can't be upset with myself for waiting to have children before now. But it's so upsetting to me to see these children grow up with someone I love very much & know my son won't. Cohen will be 5 months old at the next family holiday get-together (Thanksgiving)... 6 months at Christmas. I guess I can only hope he will get to be 1, 2, 3 years old & so on with my grandparents, his great grandparents.
Take photos, take videos, do all you can to capture amazing memories... in print. I personally have trouble remembering certain things & have for several years. I don't know why. I used to joke & say I have 'juvenile alzheimer's.' I'm not going to say that anymore.
xx
Edit to add: Cohen, Chris, & I have lost precious memories with more than just my grandparents. Sadly, he will never know Granny& Grumpy Grandpa, Chris's grandparents. There are 3 amazing guardian angels that watch over my son every day. May they always keep him safe.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
a warning for us photo sharing mommas
As a new mom, I completely understand the compulsiveness to take as many photos as you possibly can in the lifetime of your new bundle of baby. I mean you can never ever have enough! I have to capture every single part of my son's life at least 100x per day. And I do. Between Chris & I, I'm sure we have darn near 2000 photos of Cohen. Some are of the same exact pose as the last except maybe an arm is up, & now down, & now he has his foot! I take photos of him smiling, wearing a new outfit, during tummy time, & during bath time. However, there is 1 photo out of the ones mentioned that is different than the rest.
Along with capturing every waking (& sleeping) moment of my son, I enjoy sharing those moments with loved ones. I share some of Cohen's photos on Facebook. Who doesn't, right? I'm sure there are friends on there that think 'Give it a rest already... geez,' but hey, that's my boy & I am proud of that. I made that baby. I want to share him. Anyway, before sharing Cohen with my Facebook people, I deleted anyone who I didn't really know. I privatized the heck out of it, too. Now, I also have family who like to share photos of my son. They have my whole hearted trust that they know exactly who their friends are & would hopefully never put my son's photos in danger. I trust they all are aware of who they are showing.
I am so afraid of what's "out there." It's a scary place, the internet. You can find anything. You can link anyone. If it's out there, you can find it. Just remember that.
Back to the differing photo mentioned above. The difference in them is that I did not share the bath time photo. Sure, I always have my son covered, but that doesn't matter. Sure, it's the cutest thing ever seeing him splashing around, but that doesn't matter either. Being part of a social media site with a huge group of people that gave birth in June, I see all kinds of adorable baby photos. Unfortunately, some of those excited moms share photos that I believe need to stay away from the internet. I just saw an album today someone shared that included nude photos of their children during bath time. I urged her to take the album down! Hopefully, she listened.
Look, new mommy hood is amazing & we all want to share our beautiful creations. But any mom, whether a newby or a 'been there done that' needs to stop, wake up, & take a step back. There are pictures out there that do not belong on Facebook, for example, bath time fun (covered or not). Mommas, I don't even want to think about this.. let alone say it, but those photos are not safe. Anyone can screenshot anything these days. There are real sites out there that steal these types of "cute" photos to share with disgusting individuals who will rate the baby or make lewd comments. The idea of this makes me want to pass out. But it needs to be known. Please, I beg any new parent to make sure you are more than safe when it comes to photos of your children. On my own Facebook, I've seen friends share photos of their child that make me cringe & want to shake them. Even though my own page is private, I will never share a photo of my son that I think isn't "safe." I don't care if I know each & every person, you can never know who else may somehow see them. I have never felt more paranoid about my privacy, & more importantly my son's, than now. (Sometimes I ask myself why I even put any of his photos on the internet at all.)
Protect your babies. Please, don't be naive. There are disgusting people looking for these things every day. And if you still somehow trust the internet, just be aware that in the time you have read this, I could have stolen any & all of those adorable bath time (or any other internet-inapproriate) photos you shared with the world. This goes for any social media sites.
(Note: I do not & will not take any photos that anyone may take of their child. I just wanted to make a point & I hope I did.)
xo
Along with capturing every waking (& sleeping) moment of my son, I enjoy sharing those moments with loved ones. I share some of Cohen's photos on Facebook. Who doesn't, right? I'm sure there are friends on there that think 'Give it a rest already... geez,' but hey, that's my boy & I am proud of that. I made that baby. I want to share him. Anyway, before sharing Cohen with my Facebook people, I deleted anyone who I didn't really know. I privatized the heck out of it, too. Now, I also have family who like to share photos of my son. They have my whole hearted trust that they know exactly who their friends are & would hopefully never put my son's photos in danger. I trust they all are aware of who they are showing.
I am so afraid of what's "out there." It's a scary place, the internet. You can find anything. You can link anyone. If it's out there, you can find it. Just remember that.
Back to the differing photo mentioned above. The difference in them is that I did not share the bath time photo. Sure, I always have my son covered, but that doesn't matter. Sure, it's the cutest thing ever seeing him splashing around, but that doesn't matter either. Being part of a social media site with a huge group of people that gave birth in June, I see all kinds of adorable baby photos. Unfortunately, some of those excited moms share photos that I believe need to stay away from the internet. I just saw an album today someone shared that included nude photos of their children during bath time. I urged her to take the album down! Hopefully, she listened.
Look, new mommy hood is amazing & we all want to share our beautiful creations. But any mom, whether a newby or a 'been there done that' needs to stop, wake up, & take a step back. There are pictures out there that do not belong on Facebook, for example, bath time fun (covered or not). Mommas, I don't even want to think about this.. let alone say it, but those photos are not safe. Anyone can screenshot anything these days. There are real sites out there that steal these types of "cute" photos to share with disgusting individuals who will rate the baby or make lewd comments. The idea of this makes me want to pass out. But it needs to be known. Please, I beg any new parent to make sure you are more than safe when it comes to photos of your children. On my own Facebook, I've seen friends share photos of their child that make me cringe & want to shake them. Even though my own page is private, I will never share a photo of my son that I think isn't "safe." I don't care if I know each & every person, you can never know who else may somehow see them. I have never felt more paranoid about my privacy, & more importantly my son's, than now. (Sometimes I ask myself why I even put any of his photos on the internet at all.)
Protect your babies. Please, don't be naive. There are disgusting people looking for these things every day. And if you still somehow trust the internet, just be aware that in the time you have read this, I could have stolen any & all of those adorable bath time (or any other internet-inapproriate) photos you shared with the world. This goes for any social media sites.
(Note: I do not & will not take any photos that anyone may take of their child. I just wanted to make a point & I hope I did.)
xo
Thursday, September 18, 2014
new founded peace from those 5 stages
Spinning off the other post from today...
after being a stay at home mom & trying to find things to do while my son naps that doesn't just involve cleaning a dirty house, I remembered this blogging thing I started up 3 years ago. Then I came across this post that never was. I'm guessing it was never finished, nor published because it was just a raw form of me opening up to myself about dealing with a terrible moment in my life. Anyway, why not publish now & share what could possibly help anyone dealing with the same situation as I had 15 months ago:
6/25/13
denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance.
It's truly amazing how true the 5 stages of grief can be for people. Everyone goes through them, whether achieving all 5 stages, or getting stuck on one..
I was never good at coming to terms with loss. In fact, all of my close loved ones know that I can't deal with loss really at all. A year and a half ago, the loss of my grandmother followed by the loss of my cousin, both pretty unexpectedly, really affected me in the worst way. I never saw the changes I was going through, but everyone else did. My husband suffered the most, and my personality change really put my marriage to the test. Nearly losing more than just my two family members, I was able to claw my way back to myself. I thank God every night for the life He has blessed me with, and for the greatest gift, my husband. If you want to meet the definition of a true husband, man, and whole-hearted person... meet my husband, Chris.
I feel there is no reason for me other than to become a mother. I was meant to be a mom. My heart always aches to become a mother. When Chris and I decided to try for our first child, it was just a blessing because months and months ago, there was no light at the end of that tunnel. Trying for your first child is very overwhelming. I would take many tests only to see 4 negatives in my face. Finally, when that beautiful "pregnant" showed, I called Chris crying my eyes out. That very first feeling of realizing you are a mother is the greatest feeling in the world. Especially after everything Chris and I had been through in the past. We took 4 more tests just to be sure.. & every time was yes.
You never will get back the feelings or announcements of your first pregnancy. That is something I cannot overcome. Now, of course, God willing, when we give birth to our first child that is something that will be a 1st and nothing can take that away.... but I will never have that "1st" again. I guess unless you've gone through something like this, it wouldn't make much sense.
My body knew something was wrong. After a trip to our doctor, my life secretly unraveled. Chris and I worked so hard to get here only for it to never have the chance to begin. The car ride home, I told myself that maybe they just couldn't find the sac because my baby was hiding-denial. Now, of course I knew this was silly and not true. I found myself then envious of other mothers in the world. Why do they get to have the wonderful feeling of becoming a first time mom and dad. What is wrong with my body-anger. My poor mind started racing. I must have done something wrong. My baby made it to only 8 weeks... what did I do in that short time? Maybe it was the coffee I craved every morning and gave into. Maybe it was the strain I put myself in while carrying merchandise at work. Maybe it was from stressing that day when buyers wanted to see my house. Maybe it was that meal I skipped because I didn't have time to eat... I shouldn't have drank that coffee, I shouldn't have carried those heavy buckets, I shouldn't have stressed, I should have eaten that day-bargaining. I was driving myself crazy thinking I did this. What was wrong with my body... the worst questioning I kept asking myself was, there was no false positives.. this baby implanted & began to grow.. why did it let go?-depression.
I've done a lot of research on miscarriage. I've had blood work done. We found out that I am part of the 15% of caucasians that are Rh negative. All my life I have been O positive... my mother has a card that even says so.. but come to find out I am O negative. I do not have the Rh factor that most people are born with. This put the worst fear in me. Rh negative mommies develop antibodies that fight off any Rh positive blood that is in them because to the body, this is foreign blood & they destroy that. Before talking to my doctor, my first thought was Oh my gosh, my body fought off my baby because I'm negative and the baby is positive-more depression...
My miscarriage was not the result of my lack of Rh, thankfully. I learned a lot over the past week. My baby was not meant to be. From the very beginning, my baby was not going to form correctly. It was destined to not make it. My body was never going to carry, and it definitely didn't attack. I am at peace with this-acceptance. I know my family, especially my husband, was afraid for me after hearing of the loss of our baby. I can honestly say that I have bad moments. Everyone does. I had so many plans.. Chris and I bought our first baby toy.. a giraffe. I loved my baby from the very beginning. But I feel good. My body went through, and is still going through, some pretty tough moments. I finally feel better physically & emotionally.
I remember typing this. I remember crying. I remember taking time off work for about a month. I remember all the research I did to try to cope. I remember Chris taking me to the zoo to take our minds off what happened. I remember telling Chris one night that someday we will see our blueberry again.
But I also remember the day I saw my 2nd positive. Chris was at work & I was home packing & getting things ready for our move to our new home. It was September & before finding out, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to make pumpkins for Halloween of our family +1. I wanted to make a baby pumpkin with a pacifier & have that as our announcement so badly... The day I got my 2nd positive, I literally fell to my knees & thanked God. It took us 3 months & 2 days after our loss to finally have our prayers answered, again.
I mentioned in the above past post about never being able to have that "1st" again. I remember being so angry & embarrassed after announcing to the world we were going to be parents only to have to make another about how we weren't anymore. (I've never thought we were no longer parents because I still saw us as a mom& dad). True, that we can never have that first "we're pregnant!" back, but what I didn't know then was that the 2nd announcement we made at 12 weeks was one of the greatest blessings in the world. There was so much love & support from everyone that truly were so happy for us. Even though I went through my entire pregnancy freaking out about every tiny thing, I am so happy to say that my son, Cohen Christopher, is one happy & healthy little boy.
Chris & I still have that giraffe that we bought last summer. He now sits in Cohen's room, watching over him.
after being a stay at home mom & trying to find things to do while my son naps that doesn't just involve cleaning a dirty house, I remembered this blogging thing I started up 3 years ago. Then I came across this post that never was. I'm guessing it was never finished, nor published because it was just a raw form of me opening up to myself about dealing with a terrible moment in my life. Anyway, why not publish now & share what could possibly help anyone dealing with the same situation as I had 15 months ago:
6/25/13
denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance.
It's truly amazing how true the 5 stages of grief can be for people. Everyone goes through them, whether achieving all 5 stages, or getting stuck on one..
I was never good at coming to terms with loss. In fact, all of my close loved ones know that I can't deal with loss really at all. A year and a half ago, the loss of my grandmother followed by the loss of my cousin, both pretty unexpectedly, really affected me in the worst way. I never saw the changes I was going through, but everyone else did. My husband suffered the most, and my personality change really put my marriage to the test. Nearly losing more than just my two family members, I was able to claw my way back to myself. I thank God every night for the life He has blessed me with, and for the greatest gift, my husband. If you want to meet the definition of a true husband, man, and whole-hearted person... meet my husband, Chris.
I feel there is no reason for me other than to become a mother. I was meant to be a mom. My heart always aches to become a mother. When Chris and I decided to try for our first child, it was just a blessing because months and months ago, there was no light at the end of that tunnel. Trying for your first child is very overwhelming. I would take many tests only to see 4 negatives in my face. Finally, when that beautiful "pregnant" showed, I called Chris crying my eyes out. That very first feeling of realizing you are a mother is the greatest feeling in the world. Especially after everything Chris and I had been through in the past. We took 4 more tests just to be sure.. & every time was yes.
You never will get back the feelings or announcements of your first pregnancy. That is something I cannot overcome. Now, of course, God willing, when we give birth to our first child that is something that will be a 1st and nothing can take that away.... but I will never have that "1st" again. I guess unless you've gone through something like this, it wouldn't make much sense.
My body knew something was wrong. After a trip to our doctor, my life secretly unraveled. Chris and I worked so hard to get here only for it to never have the chance to begin. The car ride home, I told myself that maybe they just couldn't find the sac because my baby was hiding-denial. Now, of course I knew this was silly and not true. I found myself then envious of other mothers in the world. Why do they get to have the wonderful feeling of becoming a first time mom and dad. What is wrong with my body-anger. My poor mind started racing. I must have done something wrong. My baby made it to only 8 weeks... what did I do in that short time? Maybe it was the coffee I craved every morning and gave into. Maybe it was the strain I put myself in while carrying merchandise at work. Maybe it was from stressing that day when buyers wanted to see my house. Maybe it was that meal I skipped because I didn't have time to eat... I shouldn't have drank that coffee, I shouldn't have carried those heavy buckets, I shouldn't have stressed, I should have eaten that day-bargaining. I was driving myself crazy thinking I did this. What was wrong with my body... the worst questioning I kept asking myself was, there was no false positives.. this baby implanted & began to grow.. why did it let go?-depression.
I've done a lot of research on miscarriage. I've had blood work done. We found out that I am part of the 15% of caucasians that are Rh negative. All my life I have been O positive... my mother has a card that even says so.. but come to find out I am O negative. I do not have the Rh factor that most people are born with. This put the worst fear in me. Rh negative mommies develop antibodies that fight off any Rh positive blood that is in them because to the body, this is foreign blood & they destroy that. Before talking to my doctor, my first thought was Oh my gosh, my body fought off my baby because I'm negative and the baby is positive-more depression...
My miscarriage was not the result of my lack of Rh, thankfully. I learned a lot over the past week. My baby was not meant to be. From the very beginning, my baby was not going to form correctly. It was destined to not make it. My body was never going to carry, and it definitely didn't attack. I am at peace with this-acceptance. I know my family, especially my husband, was afraid for me after hearing of the loss of our baby. I can honestly say that I have bad moments. Everyone does. I had so many plans.. Chris and I bought our first baby toy.. a giraffe. I loved my baby from the very beginning. But I feel good. My body went through, and is still going through, some pretty tough moments. I finally feel better physically & emotionally.
I remember typing this. I remember crying. I remember taking time off work for about a month. I remember all the research I did to try to cope. I remember Chris taking me to the zoo to take our minds off what happened. I remember telling Chris one night that someday we will see our blueberry again.
But I also remember the day I saw my 2nd positive. Chris was at work & I was home packing & getting things ready for our move to our new home. It was September & before finding out, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to make pumpkins for Halloween of our family +1. I wanted to make a baby pumpkin with a pacifier & have that as our announcement so badly... The day I got my 2nd positive, I literally fell to my knees & thanked God. It took us 3 months & 2 days after our loss to finally have our prayers answered, again.
I mentioned in the above past post about never being able to have that "1st" again. I remember being so angry & embarrassed after announcing to the world we were going to be parents only to have to make another about how we weren't anymore. (I've never thought we were no longer parents because I still saw us as a mom& dad). True, that we can never have that first "we're pregnant!" back, but what I didn't know then was that the 2nd announcement we made at 12 weeks was one of the greatest blessings in the world. There was so much love & support from everyone that truly were so happy for us. Even though I went through my entire pregnancy freaking out about every tiny thing, I am so happy to say that my son, Cohen Christopher, is one happy & healthy little boy.
Chris & I still have that giraffe that we bought last summer. He now sits in Cohen's room, watching over him.
Lemony Life, now + 1
I'd say things aren't so lemony anymore now that I have a 3 month old to hang out with. Actually he is my life. I never imagined how motherhood could feel this amazing. One little human changed everything for me & my husband. My connection to Cohen is stronger than steel, especially after last summer..
It's never easy to talk about loss, even after 15 months & a beautiful baby boy. After my husband & I lost our 1st pregnancy, I never thought we'd be here. You go through a faze where you think you aren't meant to have children. Each month goes by without that 2nd positive pregnancy test & you drive yourself crazy.. until finally.....
No one wants to reflect on the negative, but that negative gave me Cohen. It is a bit easy to think & say now. I wouldn't have my son if it wasn't for that loss. I still have days where it hurts knowing something went wrong that I'll never know. But it's an indescribable feeling when I find my mind wandering because like I said, I wouldn't have my son. I can't imagine a life without him. I can say baby#1 was not meant for us to hold & watch grow. Maybe Cohen's big brother or sister knew all along that they were sent to make mommy & daddy stronger as one soul instead of two individuals so we can treasure Cohen even more. I like to think that.
I don't know if I will ever tell Cohen about his angel sibling. I cry every time I come across a story about another mother & father who have lost. It's a very touchy subject when it comes to miscarriage or losing a child after/during birth. I don't know how I feel about telling Cohen because I'm not sure I want to introduce that kind of sadness. Why potentially make his mind wander about a sibling he will never know? I don't want my son to see me cry & not understand why.
Cohen is my rainbow baby. Not everyone understands that term (I found out the hard way). Look it up.
One more thing: Everything is meant to be, at least I think so. What once was the worst month, turned into the greatest. I truly feel Cohen was meant to be born in June. He & baby#1 will always share it. Sure, I'll be sad every time 6/21(13) comes around, but 6/3(14) will forever be the greatest day of my life. June is quite a special month in my little family :)
It's never easy to talk about loss, even after 15 months & a beautiful baby boy. After my husband & I lost our 1st pregnancy, I never thought we'd be here. You go through a faze where you think you aren't meant to have children. Each month goes by without that 2nd positive pregnancy test & you drive yourself crazy.. until finally.....
No one wants to reflect on the negative, but that negative gave me Cohen. It is a bit easy to think & say now. I wouldn't have my son if it wasn't for that loss. I still have days where it hurts knowing something went wrong that I'll never know. But it's an indescribable feeling when I find my mind wandering because like I said, I wouldn't have my son. I can't imagine a life without him. I can say baby#1 was not meant for us to hold & watch grow. Maybe Cohen's big brother or sister knew all along that they were sent to make mommy & daddy stronger as one soul instead of two individuals so we can treasure Cohen even more. I like to think that.
I don't know if I will ever tell Cohen about his angel sibling. I cry every time I come across a story about another mother & father who have lost. It's a very touchy subject when it comes to miscarriage or losing a child after/during birth. I don't know how I feel about telling Cohen because I'm not sure I want to introduce that kind of sadness. Why potentially make his mind wander about a sibling he will never know? I don't want my son to see me cry & not understand why.
Cohen is my rainbow baby. Not everyone understands that term (I found out the hard way). Look it up.
One more thing: Everything is meant to be, at least I think so. What once was the worst month, turned into the greatest. I truly feel Cohen was meant to be born in June. He & baby#1 will always share it. Sure, I'll be sad every time 6/21(13) comes around, but 6/3(14) will forever be the greatest day of my life. June is quite a special month in my little family :)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
for Colin.
I've been under a lot of pressure lately, mainly because I do that to myself, but also because not too long ago my mother called me telling me my grandmother wants me to write a poem for Colin. Colin passed away on Christmas day due to life long heart problems. My mom said that my grandmother wanted me to write one like I did many many years ago for Jozie who passed away when she was 4 months old. I just told her okay, I will do my best.
I am not one for putting myself out there at all. My writing is my personal thoughts and feelings. I feel vulnerable about this piece because it is my first one in so many years.. and it's a delicate subject in my personal life as well as my family's. Enjoy.
I am not one for putting myself out there at all. My writing is my personal thoughts and feelings. I feel vulnerable about this piece because it is my first one in so many years.. and it's a delicate subject in my personal life as well as my family's. Enjoy.
Colin
Christmas was a day of joy many times before,
but this year was different for us all.
We awoke with news that broke our hearts,
News that caused our souls to fall.
God came to you and said with a smile,
"It's your time to come back home."
So you closed your eyes and followed Him,
and you left us here alone.
But we are not left behind
because you are pieced in our soul.
We can't be selfish by wanting you here,
you now have a much bigger role.
Colin, you are now our guardian,
You're our angel, our shining star in the sky.
You are our heart, you are our soul,
and each tear that we may cry.
The memories of the happiness you gave
will help to heal us overtime
because we will see you again one day
as death is never a permanent goodbye.
On the days we feel so broken,
please give us the strength again.
Let us remember the joy you brought to our lives,
Watch over us, always, Amen.
Monday, January 2, 2012
out with the old, in with the new
It's day 2 of the new year. So far so good so that's great. Well, besides the fact that I burned my legs off using this hair removal lotion crap and dropping my nail polish on the bathroom floor, it's been good.
2011 was not a good year for me or my family. The last few months were especially depressing.. I quit my job for another job that I didn't have, my husband's grandfather got really sick, I lost my best doggy Dinky, my grandmother got sick and was hospitalized for weeks & then got taken off life support, and to wrap it all up, my cousin died on Christmas day. That same day I also found out my 9 year old nephew needs another surgery. That was all during the last 5 months of the year. Each month I would tell my husband "I just want one month to go well.. just one." Now I am in a new month and a new year.. and I am honestly praying this month goes well. Otherwise, I may lose my sanity. Chris used to tell me that there weren't bad days, but I made them that way. He would tell me that I could make it a good day. He doesn't really say that anymore. Good thing too because I'd probably have to punch him. I'm pretty sure with the bad days I've had, I didn't make it bad. Life made it bad.
2011 isn't behind me yet like it is for some. It may never be. My dad said some really truthful things at my cousin's funeral. He told me that people will say it gets easier with time, but it doesn't. He said it doesn't get easier, you just learn to cope better... one day you will be fine and one day it will hit you all at once again. That's the thing with my dad, he is completely honest. I am glad for that. I hate when people say the usual "it will be okay, it gets easier" crap. My dad told me "I'm not going to say it will be okay because I know it won't." I find comfort in that because I know my dad will be there when it's not okay. My dad also told me not to live with regrets because the ones I lost would not want that. I honestly have the most trouble with this. See I am one of those crazy OCD people that have the crazy thoughts. My mind constantly obsesses over everything and it plays out scenarios. I can't help but constantly play what memories I have of people in my mind and regretting things I did not say or do. There are so many things in my mind that I wish I could/would have said to my grandmother. She was the only one to send me a graduation card when I graduated from college. I never thanked her. I think about that all the time. When she was first in the hospital back in September, I decided I was going to tell her to keep my Christmas money. I wanted her to keep it or donated it to her and my grandfather's church. For the next several weeks of her not getting better, all I could think about was how much I needed her & wanted to tell her about Christmas. I never got the chance. It's moments like that that absolutely crush me. I always think of things to do and say, but never end up doing it. Then I find myself in the position I am in. I regret not making it to my grandma's Christmas this year. It's always the Saturday before Christmas, and I had to work. I was told at work that no one got a Saturday off during Christmas so I didn't request it. I missed Christmas, which made me miss the last Christmas I would have had with my cousin. I am beyond angry about this. My dad told me at the funeral not to be upset that I missed grandma's Christmas, but I am. I can't help but be. I never miss Christmas there, and this time I did.
Basically it's a new year. I would like to try to change myself in a healthier manner. Will I ever stop obsessing about everything? Probably not. Will I stop regretting everything? Probably not. I will, however, try my best. I need to figure out a way to not constantly think about things, but to also not bottle them up & ignore them. I am 23 and I'm pretty sure I cut many years off my life by obessing, stressing, and living with more anxiety than 30 people put together.
2011 was not a good year for me or my family. The last few months were especially depressing.. I quit my job for another job that I didn't have, my husband's grandfather got really sick, I lost my best doggy Dinky, my grandmother got sick and was hospitalized for weeks & then got taken off life support, and to wrap it all up, my cousin died on Christmas day. That same day I also found out my 9 year old nephew needs another surgery. That was all during the last 5 months of the year. Each month I would tell my husband "I just want one month to go well.. just one." Now I am in a new month and a new year.. and I am honestly praying this month goes well. Otherwise, I may lose my sanity. Chris used to tell me that there weren't bad days, but I made them that way. He would tell me that I could make it a good day. He doesn't really say that anymore. Good thing too because I'd probably have to punch him. I'm pretty sure with the bad days I've had, I didn't make it bad. Life made it bad.
2011 isn't behind me yet like it is for some. It may never be. My dad said some really truthful things at my cousin's funeral. He told me that people will say it gets easier with time, but it doesn't. He said it doesn't get easier, you just learn to cope better... one day you will be fine and one day it will hit you all at once again. That's the thing with my dad, he is completely honest. I am glad for that. I hate when people say the usual "it will be okay, it gets easier" crap. My dad told me "I'm not going to say it will be okay because I know it won't." I find comfort in that because I know my dad will be there when it's not okay. My dad also told me not to live with regrets because the ones I lost would not want that. I honestly have the most trouble with this. See I am one of those crazy OCD people that have the crazy thoughts. My mind constantly obsesses over everything and it plays out scenarios. I can't help but constantly play what memories I have of people in my mind and regretting things I did not say or do. There are so many things in my mind that I wish I could/would have said to my grandmother. She was the only one to send me a graduation card when I graduated from college. I never thanked her. I think about that all the time. When she was first in the hospital back in September, I decided I was going to tell her to keep my Christmas money. I wanted her to keep it or donated it to her and my grandfather's church. For the next several weeks of her not getting better, all I could think about was how much I needed her & wanted to tell her about Christmas. I never got the chance. It's moments like that that absolutely crush me. I always think of things to do and say, but never end up doing it. Then I find myself in the position I am in. I regret not making it to my grandma's Christmas this year. It's always the Saturday before Christmas, and I had to work. I was told at work that no one got a Saturday off during Christmas so I didn't request it. I missed Christmas, which made me miss the last Christmas I would have had with my cousin. I am beyond angry about this. My dad told me at the funeral not to be upset that I missed grandma's Christmas, but I am. I can't help but be. I never miss Christmas there, and this time I did.
Basically it's a new year. I would like to try to change myself in a healthier manner. Will I ever stop obsessing about everything? Probably not. Will I stop regretting everything? Probably not. I will, however, try my best. I need to figure out a way to not constantly think about things, but to also not bottle them up & ignore them. I am 23 and I'm pretty sure I cut many years off my life by obessing, stressing, and living with more anxiety than 30 people put together.
Friday, December 30, 2011
lemony life
My sister and brother-in-law have started this blogging thing, so I thought I'd give it a try. I've got a lot of stuff running through my mind 24/7.. and I type much faster than I write, so what better way to release 1000 thoughts than this? I don't care if it never gets read.. I care to finally get out what I've wanted and not wanted to talk about.
I spent 20 minutes trying to come up with a suitable name for my so-called "new blogging thing." Then, after constant failed attempts, this one popped in my head. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I think about that little quote quite often throughout the day. I like to pick it apart and try to figure out exactly what it means. I mean, why lemons? Why not limes? When life gives you limes, add cherries and make a cherry limeade. That sounds tastier. Anyway... I feel I have had plenty of lemons in my life, and I haven't made much lemonade. But I think that is a perfect blog name so I can see it everytime I have some sort of thought to talk about..
Hey, kylee when life gives lemons.......... what are you going to do with them?
I spent 20 minutes trying to come up with a suitable name for my so-called "new blogging thing." Then, after constant failed attempts, this one popped in my head. "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I think about that little quote quite often throughout the day. I like to pick it apart and try to figure out exactly what it means. I mean, why lemons? Why not limes? When life gives you limes, add cherries and make a cherry limeade. That sounds tastier. Anyway... I feel I have had plenty of lemons in my life, and I haven't made much lemonade. But I think that is a perfect blog name so I can see it everytime I have some sort of thought to talk about..
Hey, kylee when life gives lemons.......... what are you going to do with them?
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