after being a stay at home mom & trying to find things to do while my son naps that doesn't just involve cleaning a dirty house, I remembered this blogging thing I started up 3 years ago. Then I came across this post that never was. I'm guessing it was never finished, nor published because it was just a raw form of me opening up to myself about dealing with a terrible moment in my life. Anyway, why not publish now & share what could possibly help anyone dealing with the same situation as I had 15 months ago:
6/25/13
denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance.
It's truly amazing how true the 5 stages of grief can be for people. Everyone goes through them, whether achieving all 5 stages, or getting stuck on one..
I was never good at coming to terms with loss. In fact, all of my close loved ones know that I can't deal with loss really at all. A year and a half ago, the loss of my grandmother followed by the loss of my cousin, both pretty unexpectedly, really affected me in the worst way. I never saw the changes I was going through, but everyone else did. My husband suffered the most, and my personality change really put my marriage to the test. Nearly losing more than just my two family members, I was able to claw my way back to myself. I thank God every night for the life He has blessed me with, and for the greatest gift, my husband. If you want to meet the definition of a true husband, man, and whole-hearted person... meet my husband, Chris.
I feel there is no reason for me other than to become a mother. I was meant to be a mom. My heart always aches to become a mother. When Chris and I decided to try for our first child, it was just a blessing because months and months ago, there was no light at the end of that tunnel. Trying for your first child is very overwhelming. I would take many tests only to see 4 negatives in my face. Finally, when that beautiful "pregnant" showed, I called Chris crying my eyes out. That very first feeling of realizing you are a mother is the greatest feeling in the world. Especially after everything Chris and I had been through in the past. We took 4 more tests just to be sure.. & every time was yes.
You never will get back the feelings or announcements of your first pregnancy. That is something I cannot overcome. Now, of course, God willing, when we give birth to our first child that is something that will be a 1st and nothing can take that away.... but I will never have that "1st" again. I guess unless you've gone through something like this, it wouldn't make much sense.
My body knew something was wrong. After a trip to our doctor, my life secretly unraveled. Chris and I worked so hard to get here only for it to never have the chance to begin. The car ride home, I told myself that maybe they just couldn't find the sac because my baby was hiding-denial. Now, of course I knew this was silly and not true. I found myself then envious of other mothers in the world. Why do they get to have the wonderful feeling of becoming a first time mom and dad. What is wrong with my body-anger. My poor mind started racing. I must have done something wrong. My baby made it to only 8 weeks... what did I do in that short time? Maybe it was the coffee I craved every morning and gave into. Maybe it was the strain I put myself in while carrying merchandise at work. Maybe it was from stressing that day when buyers wanted to see my house. Maybe it was that meal I skipped because I didn't have time to eat... I shouldn't have drank that coffee, I shouldn't have carried those heavy buckets, I shouldn't have stressed, I should have eaten that day-bargaining. I was driving myself crazy thinking I did this. What was wrong with my body... the worst questioning I kept asking myself was, there was no false positives.. this baby implanted & began to grow.. why did it let go?-depression.
I've done a lot of research on miscarriage. I've had blood work done. We found out that I am part of the 15% of caucasians that are Rh negative. All my life I have been O positive... my mother has a card that even says so.. but come to find out I am O negative. I do not have the Rh factor that most people are born with. This put the worst fear in me. Rh negative mommies develop antibodies that fight off any Rh positive blood that is in them because to the body, this is foreign blood & they destroy that. Before talking to my doctor, my first thought was Oh my gosh, my body fought off my baby because I'm negative and the baby is positive-more depression...
My miscarriage was not the result of my lack of Rh, thankfully. I learned a lot over the past week. My baby was not meant to be. From the very beginning, my baby was not going to form correctly. It was destined to not make it. My body was never going to carry, and it definitely didn't attack. I am at peace with this-acceptance. I know my family, especially my husband, was afraid for me after hearing of the loss of our baby. I can honestly say that I have bad moments. Everyone does. I had so many plans.. Chris and I bought our first baby toy.. a giraffe. I loved my baby from the very beginning. But I feel good. My body went through, and is still going through, some pretty tough moments. I finally feel better physically & emotionally.
I remember typing this. I remember crying. I remember taking time off work for about a month. I remember all the research I did to try to cope. I remember Chris taking me to the zoo to take our minds off what happened. I remember telling Chris one night that someday we will see our blueberry again.
But I also remember the day I saw my 2nd positive. Chris was at work & I was home packing & getting things ready for our move to our new home. It was September & before finding out, all I could think about was how bad I wanted to make pumpkins for Halloween of our family +1. I wanted to make a baby pumpkin with a pacifier & have that as our announcement so badly... The day I got my 2nd positive, I literally fell to my knees & thanked God. It took us 3 months & 2 days after our loss to finally have our prayers answered, again.
I mentioned in the above past post about never being able to have that "1st" again. I remember being so angry & embarrassed after announcing to the world we were going to be parents only to have to make another about how we weren't anymore. (I've never thought we were no longer parents because I still saw us as a mom& dad). True, that we can never have that first "we're pregnant!" back, but what I didn't know then was that the 2nd announcement we made at 12 weeks was one of the greatest blessings in the world. There was so much love & support from everyone that truly were so happy for us. Even though I went through my entire pregnancy freaking out about every tiny thing, I am so happy to say that my son, Cohen Christopher, is one happy & healthy little boy.
Chris & I still have that giraffe that we bought last summer. He now sits in Cohen's room, watching over him.
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