I received a letter in the mail recently from my aunt. It mentioned how Christmas at my grandmother's would be slightly different this year. Ever since, well forever, my family has celebrated Christmas at my grandmother's house on the Saturday before Christmas Day. No matter what city grandma lived in, the family was there. Sometimes this meant driving over an hour for me, but we were all there.
My grandma is just awesome. She's unlike a lot, in my opinion. I can't even begin to describe her because no one would understand unless they met her. She is a no nonsense, occasionally cussing grandma.
Every Christmas, she gives her great grandchildren all kinds of neat gifts. For the past 12 years, I've watched her gift-giving grow with each new great grandchild. Now, 12 years later, I finally get to see my child receive his very 1st Christmas gift from his great grandma. But I'm sad.
The letter from my aunt mentioned how different Christmas will be this year. Grandma is suffering from dementia. Well, according to my mother, alzheimer's runs on that side. From what I've read, dementia & alzheimer's are different. Dementia can happen without the alzheimer's, but alzheimer's can start out as dementia. Confusing, I know. I'm scared learning that alzheimer's runs on my mother's side. Being a compulsive worrier, this makes my mind run with all sorts of sadness. But that's another story.
I've only recently really learned of this dementia. I just kind of pushed the thought away. This letter made it very real all of a sudden. As each day passes, I know her memory gets a little bit worse. This hurts, a lot. My aunt wrote about how grandma is forgetting how to cook & how upsetting this is for her. Family is the number 1 reason why people get together for the holidays, but food is the comfort that brings us all together. I feel horrible trying to imagine how it feels to not remember how to make a family meal... I cook. I mindlessly make my own family meals. To imagine having trouble remembering how to cook really hurts my heart.
My aunt also mentioned in the letter how grandma will only be giving each great grandchild 2 gifts this year. Now, to me, this isn't a big deal. I think any number of gifts is quite generous. She really doesn't have to get them any, but she does. I'm sure it makes her feel good. Even though the gift giving doesn't bother me, it really hit me hard..
It made me realize how Cohen & I were robbed. 12 years of great grandchildren getting to have Christmas with their great grandma. And now that I finally have the chance to join in, life makes me truly realize that my grandma, who has always been around with her quirky self, is a great grandmother. I barely remember my own great grandparents. I only remember one. I think I have photos with others? I don't know. But I do know that my own great grandma was old. At least to my young mind. My grandma can't be old, right? Come to find out, she's almost 80. Wait a minute... no way. I hate that I'm the kind of person who expects people to just be there. My grandparent's have been around since I was born, so they are still just supposed to be here. Always.
I have trouble actually wrapping my mind around the thought of my grandparents being Cohen's great grandparents because great grandparents are super old & sometimes are so old, they are no longer around. No, she (&they) can't be old.
It's all made me think. Like I said, Cohen & I were robbed. Twice, actually. Cohen was robbed from growing up with two amazing great grandmas. My super sweet grandma joyce passed 3 years ago at the very young age of 67. With her, Cohen was robbed of ever meeting & having any memories in a photograph with her. I've been robbed of seeing her smiling face while she holds her newest great grand baby. I'm grateful that Cohen was able to meet his other great grandmother. He has a photo with her holding him. He may never remember, but I always will.
I'm very upset with everything. Some of my cousins have been able to watch their children grow up with grandma. And now that I finally have my own baby, I have to find out that my grandma is actually old. On top of that, losing her memory. This could be the only Christmas my son gets to have with his great grandma before she is unable to remember him at all. No one knows.
I can't be upset with myself for waiting to have children before now. But it's so upsetting to me to see these children grow up with someone I love very much & know my son won't. Cohen will be 5 months old at the next family holiday get-together (Thanksgiving)... 6 months at Christmas. I guess I can only hope he will get to be 1, 2, 3 years old & so on with my grandparents, his great grandparents.
Take photos, take videos, do all you can to capture amazing memories... in print. I personally have trouble remembering certain things & have for several years. I don't know why. I used to joke & say I have 'juvenile alzheimer's.' I'm not going to say that anymore.
xx
Edit to add: Cohen, Chris, & I have lost precious memories with more than just my grandparents. Sadly, he will never know Granny& Grumpy Grandpa, Chris's grandparents. There are 3 amazing guardian angels that watch over my son every day. May they always keep him safe.
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